Welcome to the

Inside Out Humor and Design Blog

If you’ve never visited my T-Shirt shop, please have a look. There’s lots of funny t-shirt designs that are all mine and mostly original. If you want to kill some time and the boss isn’t looking, why not read about how I got started in t-shirt design, or if you really have nothing better to do you can scroll down and take a look at some random thoughts that I’ll be posting on occasion.

In any event, thanks for accidentally finding me through your local search engine and at least reading this far before hitting the back button…

If I die and there’s just nothingness, I’m going to be so pissed.

INSTALLING RAPTURE. ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE. Install delayed….please wait. Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Rapture not found. EVENT “Rapture” cannot be located. The rapture you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later.

That was something I found on a Yahoo comments board that I thought was too funny not to share.

So as predicted, preacher Harold Camping discovered he’d made a slight miscalcuation in deciphering the date that millions of true believers would be sucked up into the sky to have brunch with Jesus. The new date for this event is now set at October 21, 2011, with Mr. Camping explaining that May 21st was in fact God’s judgement day in which God decided to check his files and give us all a final grade of pass or fail. Just kinda wish I’d dressed a little nicer.

So presumably, the day after the “real” rapture takes place, the world will quickly implode into a hellish nightmare of earthquakes, wars, global economic collapse and high gas prices.  So how will we notice the difference?  Well, for one thing there’ll be a lot less traffic on the freeways and lots of empty homes up for grabs, although I’m sure most of the wealthier neighborhoods will still be well-populated. (If you don’t get that, google Mathew 19:24.)

Personally, I think if Mr. Camping wants to share his delusion among his equally-deluded followers, that’s fine, but scaring the rest of the world with this kind of nonsense is really pointless and accomplishes nothing more than adding to everyone’s stack of things to be scared shitless about. Of course I’m writing this fully aware that the joke could be on all of us come October 21, because in the back of my mind, and probably everyone who dismisses this guy as just another religious zealot who needs to chill out, there’s always the thought that maybe, just maybe, something’s gonna happen.

Then again, if nothing happens October 21 there’s always December 21, 2012 to look forward to, since everyone knows that’s when the world is really coming to an end…according to the Mayans anyways.

So either the rapture didn’t happen or it did and there simply wasn’t anyone worth taking. Hard to say. My question though, among millions, is this. What’s gonna happen when Jesus does finally return and sees that the cross has been used as a symbol of his life and teachings and that people have erected them everywhere in his honor? Is he gonna be like “Gee thanks, took me 2000 years of therapy to get over the horrible way I died and this is what I come back to!? I’m outta here!”

Nah, I’m sure Jesus wouldn’t do that, but for now the long wait for salvation continues, and for the preacher Harold Camping who started this whole May 21 rapture prediction, an explanation is also awaited. No doubt it’ll be something like, “Whoops, forgot to carry the one! Okay, let’s see. I have a prostate exam scheduled for Wednesday, so…um…next Tuesday for sure. Now everyone send me your money so I can put up more billboards.”

What’s really weird is that I’m actually kinda sad the rapture didn’t happen, because I think like everyone else, I’m constantly looking for some proof that life is more than just a crazy fluke of the universe. Of course one could look at the incredible engineering involved in life and say that’s all the proof one needs, but still, a burning bush wouldn’t hurt once in awhile either.

There’s a construction site across the street from me where they’ve starting putting up some new apartment buildings. Yeah, who needed that empty lot with all those annoying fruit trees anyways. So now, every day, twice a day, like clockwork, a catering truck drives by my apartment as it heads towards the site to feed all those hungry construction workers. How do I know when he drives by? Because to announce his arrival to the entire neighborhood, the driver blasts on his musical horn an obnoxious, sped-up version of everyone’s favorite tune, “La Cucaracha”. Yes, “The Cockroach”.

Because really, what better way to let everyone know you’ve arrived in your mobile food wagon than to play a song about the most vile, disgusting insect on the planet. Mmm boy, give me one of those roast beef sandwiches before it crawls away. Why doesn’t he just shout out the window “Botulism! Salmonella! Get it while it’s room temperature! Your death-on-wheels food service is here! We got stomach pumps in the back! Hey, no pushing!!”

I think I’ve finally developed a really effective way of dealing with people who come up to me in parking lots. You know the types. Usually they’re either trying to sell some sob story and you’ll end up giving them a few bucks just to get rid of them, or else they want you to convert to some religious cult like Christianity. I used to be less cynical of these types of people until I got taken for a lot of money one day, but that’s another story. Now I’m a bit more suspicious whenever I’m approached by someone while walking towards my car because it usually means one of three things; they’re selling something, they’re going to rob me, or they’re running for political office – which in my opinion is all pretty much the same thing. So here’s the technique I use. When someone walks up to me with that big ol’ I-just-want-to-be-your-best-friend smile and says “Excuse me sir, do you have a moment?”, I just reply “Sorry, I don’t speak English and I really have to get going”. This will usually daze them long enough for me to dig my keys out and start to unlock my door. Then if they ask “You don’t speak English?”, I reply with “Sorry, not a word. Have a nice day.” While they stand there confused and unsure of what to do next, I start the car and make my escape. This technique is not unlike the way a lizard, after being pounced upon by a hungry animal, will leave its tail waggling behind while the unsuspecting predator tries to figure out what happened to the rest of its lunch.

I got pulled over by the Highway Patrol the other day and discovered, once again, that police officers have no sense of humor.

The stone-faced officer walked over to my window, looked inside and said “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Because I was the only one you could catch?” I smirked.

“I clocked you going over 80!”

“Really?” I replied., “I guess I was too drunk to see the speedometer!”

My court case is next Tuesday.