Star Trek Merchandise on Zazzle

NOTE: This is a Mad Magazine-style parody I wrote centuries ago when Star Trek The Next Generation was still on the air and a parody of it would’ve been considered funny and relevant. I wrote it as something of a radio play with the idea of recording it and entering it into a “home-made humor contest” being run by a local radio station at the time. Sadly, I never did, and it’s been gathering dust on my hard drive ever since. I think this is still a funny parody, although if you’ve never seen a single Star Trek episode, you’re not familiar with any of the characters, and you don’t have any interaction with modern American culture, then you’ll probably be very bored and confused.

For those technical-minded sorts, there’s a lot of problems in the plot that you’ll no doubt come across, but give me a break – I wrote this a long time ago and probably under the influence.

(Intro Music)

CAPTAIN: Captain’s Log, stardate five seven three two four eight nine one six four seven…uh…six one…five…uh…oh hell…(starting over) Captains Log, stardate…Tuesday. Captain Jean Luke Pukehard, commander of the Federation Starship ConsolationPrize, reporting. We are currently in orbit around the Ferengi-owned supermarket planet ALPHA BETA. With our replicator out of order and ship’s supplies low, we have no choice but to beam down to the planet to do some…(groan) shopping. I will be leading an aweigh team consisting of myself, Jerky LaForage, and Counselor Joy. My first officer, Lieutenant Commander Biker, will be left in command.

CAPTAIN: Number one, you have the bridge.

BIKER: All Right! Uh…I mean…aye aye Captain.

(Sound of turbo doors opening and closing)

BACKGROUND: Yahoo! He’s gone! Yippee!!

(Sounds of music, partying, general pandemonium…fading in background)

(Sound of turbo doors opening and closing)

CAPTAIN: Counselor Joy, do you have the shopping list?

JOY: Yes sir, I have it right here. Uh, Captain, you do know that I’m telepathic, don’t you?


JOY: Well, would you please stop undressing me with your mind!

CAPTAIN: Oh, uh, sorry about that…guess I’ve been in space a little too long. Alright, beam us down, Mr. O’Cryan!

O’CRYAN: Aye aye, sir. Uh…Captain, it’s really not necessary for you to kiss me goodbye.

CAPTAIN: That’s it, I’ve got to get myself a real woman. The holodeck just isn’t working for me anymore.

(Energizing sounds…followed by supermarket sounds-crowds of people, shopping carts, etc.)

ANNOUNCER (Over PA system): Attention shoppers! For the next 30 minutes only, pick up two bags of Purina Klingon Chow for the price of one. Trek on over to aisle 927 for this great deal. Hurry, before it’s all gone!

JOY: Oooh Jerky! Let’s hurry and get some of that for Mr. Woof. He’d never forgive us if we forgot his favorite snack.

LAFORAGE: I know, last time we did he destroyed Main Engineering! But first we have to find a basket.

CAPTAIN: Agreed! Anything on your tricorder?

(Tricorder sounds)

LAFORAGE: Well, I’m picking up an old ‘I Love Lucy’ rerun. Ah…here we are…baskets are in this direction.


LAFORAGE: Here they are, Captain.

(Tricorder sounds)

LAFORAGE: Sir, sensors indicate that every one of these baskets has a defective left wheel.

CAPTAIN: Some things don’t change in 300 years, do they. Well, just get one and let’s get started.

LAFORAGE: Aye aye, Captain.

(Basket sounds, followed by tricorder sounds)

JOY: Captain, aisle 927 is about 1/2 mile in this direction.

CAPTAIN: Alright Mr. LaForage, you have the basket. Ahead warp one.

LAFORAGE: Ha ha, very good sir.

(Basket collision sounds)

LIZARD-LIKE ALIEN (In a grizzly, Jack Palance-like voice): Watch where you’re going, you disgusting humanoid!

LAFORAGE: Hey, bite me Godzilla! Let’s see how well YOU navigate with an air filter wrapped around YOUR face.

ALIEN: Would you like me to kill you now, or wait ’til you get home!

SECURITY OFFICER: Alright! Break it up! You know the rules for this planet. Anyone caught fighting is automatically sentenced to 90 days in our slave labor camps…

ALIEN: I can deal with that.


POLICE OFFICER: And forced to watch Public Access Cable.

(Simultaneous screams)

ALIEN: Uh…sorry human…I’ll be on my way now. Have a nice day.

LAFORAGE: Uh…yes, no hard feelings. Take care.

CAPTAIN: Dear God! And I thought the castration penalty on Hefner’s Pleasure Planet was severe!

JOY: Captain, here’s the Duracell batteries that Mr. Ditto wanted.

CAPTAIN: Good heavens, look at the price! Hmmm…get the generic brand instead, Counselor. I’m getting a little tired of listening to Ditto talk all the time anyways.

BIKER (over communicator): Commander Biker to Captain Pukehard, come in please! Captain, are you there!?

CAPTAIN: Yes, Number One! What is it! Are we under attack!?

BIKER: Uh, no sir. It’s just that…well…I have a hot date tonight and I’m all out of, you know.

CAPTAIN: Number one, the women on board the ConsolationPrize are not there to serve as your personal harem!

BIKER: No Captain, tonight I’m going out with this incredible alien chick I met on planet Hef. This babe’s got six…well…heh heh.

CAPTAIN: I’m sorry Number One, you’ll have to cancel it. You know we’re scheduled to attend a 12 day conference on the illegal alien problems they’ve been having on Planet Limbaugh.

BIKER: Oh…yeah. I…uh…I guess I forgot.

CAPTAIN: That’s alright. But while I’m here…did you want the usual?

BIKER: Yes sir, 2 cases of Trojan glow-in-the-dark self-lubricating extra large condoms, with vibrating electro-stimulators. Oh, and get the kind that plays the theme from Star Wars.

CAPTAIN: Didn’t you electrocute yourself with those one time, Number One?

BIKER: Yeah, but it was worth it.

CAPTAIN: Captain’s log. Stardate seven five three one eight six two…uh…nine seven four point…uh…oh, nevermind. After a near-death experience with a Gorn, and an altercation with the Ferengi assistant-manager who refused to extend the deal on Klingon Chow because we arrived 30 seconds too late, we’ve managed to finish all of our shopping. Our next task at hand will be checking out.

(UPC scanner sounds)

CASHIER: Good afternoon Captain, how are you today?

CAPTAIN: Fine, thank you.

(more UPC scanner sounds)

CASHIER (over PA system): I need a price check on Rogaine!!

CAPTAIN: Oh for God’s sake, why don’t you say it a little louder. I don’t think they heard you back on Earth!

CASHIER: Sorry Sir.

(more UPC Scanner sounds)

CASHIER (over PA system): I need a price check on Kotex Tampons!!

CAPTAIN: Christ! Next time Dr. Musher does her own shopping!

CASHIER: Okay, that comes to $16,712.37. Did you want paper or plastic?

CAPTAIN: Hmmm…I don’t know. Jerky, what do you think.

(Tricorder sounds)

LAFORAGE: Well, Captain. Sensors indicate that these paper bags were made from the last remaining rain forest on Earth, while these plastic bags are composed of a very unusual polymer construction that I’ve only seen once before. I believe it was about 3 years ago on the planet…

JOY (interrupting): Captain, I’m sensing a tremendous amount of hostility from the people in line behind us. The Gorn especially has very vivid thoughts of ripping our heads off.


LAFORAGE: I like plastic.

CAPTAIN: Make it so.

(sounds of bags rustling)

CAPTAIN: Alright, it looks like we’ve got everything.

(communicator sounds)

CAPTAIN: Number one, are you there?

(Sounds of partying, laughter, music)

BACKGROUND: Shhh! Shhh! Quiet!

BIKER: Yes Captain, I’m here.

CAPTAIN: Number one, what’s going on up there?!

BIKER: Uh, nothing Captain. Are you ready to beam up?

CAPTAIN: Yes, Number One. Get us the hell out of here.

BIKER: Right away, Captain.

(transporter sounds)

CAPTAIN: Jerky! Counselor! Where are you?!

(communicator sounds)

CAPTAIN: Number One, you forgot to beam me up!

(Sounds of partying, mayhem)

BACKGROUND: Yahoo! Yippee!

BIKER: See you later, Captain! We’re on our way to planet Hefner!! Mr. Woof, get us out of here, warp 9!

(sports car acceleration sounds)

CAPTAIN: Biker!!!


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