May 15 2011

Parking Lot Survival

I think I’ve finally developed a really effective way of dealing with people who come up to me in parking lots. You know the types. Usually they’re either trying to sell some sob story and you’ll end up giving them a few bucks just to get rid of them, or else they want you to convert to some religious cult like the Hare Krishna’s or Young Republicans.

I used to be less cynical of these types of people until I got taken for a lot of money one day, but that’s another story. Now I’m a bit more suspicious whenever I’m approached by someone while walking towards my car because it usually means one of three things; they’re selling something, they’re going to rob me, or they’re running for political office – which in my opinion is all pretty much the same thing. So here’s the technique I use.

When someone walks up to me with that big ol’ I-just-want-to-be-your-best-friend smile and says “Excuse me sir, do you have a moment?”, I just reply “Sorry, I don’t speak English and I really have to get going”. This will usually daze them long enough for me to dig my keys out and start to unlock my door. Then if they ask “You don’t speak English?”, I reply with “Sorry, not a word. Have a nice day.” While they stand there confused and unsure of what to do next, I start the car and make my escape.

I think this technique is not unlike the way a lizard, after being pounced upon by a hungry animal, will leave its tail waggling behind while the unsuspecting predator tries to figure out what happened to the rest of its lunch.

May 14 2011

Joking with the Highway Patrol

I got pulled over by the Highway Patrol the other day and discovered, once again, that CHP officers have no sense of humor.

The stone-faced officer walked over to my window, looked inside and said “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Because I was the only one you could catch?” I smirked.

“I clocked you going over 80!”

“Really?” I replied, “I guess I was too drunk to see the speedometer!”

My court case is next Tuesday.

May 13 2011

The 30 Second Murder Trial

I think I know how every murder trial could be over in less than 30 seconds. First, strap the defendant into an electric chair. Then, hook them up to a lie detector machine;

Judge: “Sir, how do you plead to the charge of killing your wife?

Defendant: “Absolutely, 100 percent not guil….BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!!!!!

Judge: “Bailiff, please scrape the defendant off the witness stand and bring in the next case!”

May 12 2011

Marijuana memories – I think…

I’m pretty sure I smoked pot in college because I don’t remember going and I have a philosophy degree on my wall.

May 06 2011

Life is to enjoy…

I clipped this from a 10 year old google groups posting on Xanax withdrawal. Thought it was some excellent wisdom and wanted to keep it around for easy reference, so I’m adding it here.

I finally understood then this was all we got, a series of moments to either enjoy or not. Life is to enjoy, and hopefully to help others enjoy. There is nothing to work towards and nothing to worry about. Death will eventually come either way, so take the scenic route and enjoy it.

Fuck work. Work to live, not vice versa. Fuck buying big things which require years of debt to payoff. Fuck stress. Fuck worry. Your only duty / responsibility other than enjoying life is to make others lives more enjoyable. Don’t think about the latest model of whatever useless consumer crap you don’t have because you don’t work hard enough. Think about how amazing it is that we live in a three dimensional world, and that some hydrogen and carbon have decided to become you. Art is everywhere, in the rainbows from patterns of water droplets on a tattered shower curtain in a residential motel, in palace hallways, in broken glass on the street.

Low stress simple living is good for you, good for your neighbor and good for the planet.

Apr 17 2011

Welcome to Inside Out

Welcome to the

Inside Out Humor and Design Blog

If you’ve never visited my T-Shirt shop, please have a look. There’s lots of funny t-shirt designs that are all mine and mostly original. Grin If you want to kill some time and the boss isn’t looking, why not read about how I got started in t-shirt design, or if you really have nothing better to do you can scroll down and take a look at some random thoughts that I’ll be posting on occasion.

In any event, thanks for accidentally finding me through your local search engine and at least reading this far before hitting the back button…

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