Posts tagged: Funny Story

Jun 03 2012

Pot smoking mother drives off with baby on car roof

PHOENIX (Reuters) June 2, 2012 – A marijuana-smoking woman was arrested on Saturday in Phoenix after she accidentally drove away with her five-week-old son in a child safety seat on the roof of her vehicle, police said.

It’s incredibly stupid to drive while you’re high on anything, especially when you get caught doing something stupid and you happen to be high at the time, then it becomes extra stupid and you end up in Yahoo news. In her defense though, the kid was strapped in. Plus it does sound like she was under some stress after her boyfriend was arrested earlier in the evening for a DUI, so add that to the short-term memory-blocking qualities of cannabis and you have a mother who leaves her newborn on top of the car. Why didn’t she hear the kid fall off? My guess is two simple words…Led Zeppelin…

But can you imagine how many times a day some parent forgets their kid? My parents left me in Barstow on the way to Vegas when I was 8 and they weren’t high on anything but tobacco. We’d stopped at a gas station, I went to relieve myself and when I came out I was an orphan. They came back for me though, eventually. Probably when my Dad realized I had his wallet. We still laugh about it in my therapy sessions or during the holidays when we’ve all had a few drinks and it turns into “Everybody Loves Raymond” without the laugh track. Pain

May 16 2011

La Cucaracha

There’s a construction site across the street from me where they’ve starting putting up some new apartment buildings. Yeah, who needed that empty lot with all those annoying fruit trees anyways. So now, every day, twice a day, like clockwork, a catering truck drives by my apartment as it heads towards the site to feed all those hungry construction workers. How do I know when he drives by? Because to announce his arrival to the entire neighborhood, the driver blasts on his musical horn an obnoxious, sped-up version of everyone’s favorite tune, “La Cucaracha”. Yes, “The Cockroach”.

Because really, what better way to let everyone know you’ve arrived in your mobile food wagon than to play a song about the most vile, disgusting insect on the planet. Mmm boy, give me one of those roast beef sandwiches before it crawls away. Why doesn’t he just shout out the window “Botulism! Salmonella! Get it while it’s room temperature! Your death-on-wheels food service is here! We got stomach pumps in the back! Hey, no pushing!!”

May 15 2011

Parking Lot Survival

I think I’ve finally developed a really effective way of dealing with people who come up to me in parking lots. You know the types. Usually they’re either trying to sell some sob story and you’ll end up giving them a few bucks just to get rid of them, or else they want you to convert to some religious cult like the Hare Krishna’s or Young Republicans.

I used to be less cynical of these types of people until I got taken for a lot of money one day, but that’s another story. Now I’m a bit more suspicious whenever I’m approached by someone while walking towards my car because it usually means one of three things; they’re selling something, they’re going to rob me, or they’re running for political office – which in my opinion is all pretty much the same thing. So here’s the technique I use.

When someone walks up to me with that big ol’ I-just-want-to-be-your-best-friend smile and says “Excuse me sir, do you have a moment?”, I just reply “Sorry, I don’t speak English and I really have to get going”. This will usually daze them long enough for me to dig my keys out and start to unlock my door. Then if they ask “You don’t speak English?”, I reply with “Sorry, not a word. Have a nice day.” While they stand there confused and unsure of what to do next, I start the car and make my escape.

I think this technique is not unlike the way a lizard, after being pounced upon by a hungry animal, will leave its tail waggling behind while the unsuspecting predator tries to figure out what happened to the rest of its lunch.

May 14 2011

Joking with the Highway Patrol

I got pulled over by the Highway Patrol the other day and discovered, once again, that CHP officers have no sense of humor.

The stone-faced officer walked over to my window, looked inside and said “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Because I was the only one you could catch?” I smirked.

“I clocked you going over 80!”

“Really?” I replied, “I guess I was too drunk to see the speedometer!”

My court case is next Tuesday.

May 13 2011

The 30 Second Murder Trial

I think I know how every murder trial could be over in less than 30 seconds. First, strap the defendant into an electric chair. Then, hook them up to a lie detector machine;

Judge: “Sir, how do you plead to the charge of killing your wife?

Defendant: “Absolutely, 100 percent not guil….BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!!!!!

Judge: “Bailiff, please scrape the defendant off the witness stand and bring in the next case!”

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