Posts tagged: Funny

Jun 03 2012

Pot smoking mother drives off with baby on car roof

PHOENIX (Reuters) June 2, 2012 – A marijuana-smoking woman was arrested on Saturday in Phoenix after she accidentally drove away with her five-week-old son in a child safety seat on the roof of her vehicle, police said.

It’s incredibly stupid to drive while you’re high on anything, especially when you get caught doing something stupid and you happen to be high at the time, then it becomes extra stupid and you end up in Yahoo news. In her defense though, the kid was strapped in. Plus it does sound like she was under some stress after her boyfriend was arrested earlier in the evening for a DUI, so add that to the short-term memory-blocking qualities of cannabis and you have a mother who leaves her newborn on top of the car. Why didn’t she hear the kid fall off? My guess is two simple words…Led Zeppelin…

But can you imagine how many times a day some parent forgets their kid? My parents left me in Barstow on the way to Vegas when I was 8 and they weren’t high on anything but tobacco. We’d stopped at a gas station, I went to relieve myself and when I came out I was an orphan. They came back for me though, eventually. Probably when my Dad realized I had his wallet. We still laugh about it in my therapy sessions or during the holidays when we’ve all had a few drinks and it turns into “Everybody Loves Raymond” without the laugh track. Pain

May 27 2012

Coyote Hit By Car Gets Stuck In Fender – Authorities Believe This Was No Accident

On a road trip from Colorado to California in 2009, brother and sister Daniel and Tevyn East were driving at night along Interstate 80 near the Nevada-Utah border when they noticed a pack of coyotes near the roadside. When one of the animals ran, or was possibly pushed in front of the car, the impact sounded fatal so the siblings thought there was no point in stopping.

Eight hours, two fuel stops, and 600 miles later they found the wild animal embedded in their front fender – and very much alive.

Coyote stuck in fender

Coyote stuck in fender with head showingThe entire front of the car had to be taken apart to free the coyote who was then taken to an animal shelter where he somehow managed to escape just a few days later.

Coyote resting in cage while prime suspect looks inBased on a review of photographs taken of the animal, local authorities are now convinced that this “accident” may have actually been part of an ongoing rivalry between the coyote and a much smarter and faster road runner. Only a few weeks after the animal’s escape, it was reported that the same coyote was seen wearing a pair of ACME jet skates as he was chasing the bird before smashing into a fake train tunnel painted on the side of a large rock. Razz

– This has been a “Fun with Photoshop” Inside Out original

May 23 2012

Zombie Lincoln For President

Can’t decide on who to vote for president? Forget ‘em all! With today’s advancements in genetics and cloning, maybe it’s time we dug up one of America’s favorite all-time dead presidents to help lead our country during these difficult times. That’s right, I say it’s time to bring back Abraham Lincoln.

So let’s all head over to Lincoln’s tomb, grab some DNA, and clone one of our most beloved presidents back into the white house. Sure there’s always the chance he’ll turn out to be a soulless Zombie hungry for the brains of hapless victims, but c’mon, wouldn’t that still be an improvement? Certainly nobody from Congress would mess with him, and aside from the cool factor, could you imagine what the G8 summit would be like?

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Jun 08 2011

I’m Spartacus

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I'm SpartacusI’m Spartacus! design on t-shirts and other gifts for fans of the classic Stanley Kubrick movie.

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With toungue in cheek, try to imagine for a moment what the classic Stanley Kubrick film Spartacus would’ve been like if Woody Allen had directed the movie and cast himself in the leading role as well. Now picture the scene where Spartacus and his band of rebel slaves are finally captured by the Romans, and the lead Roman guy, Gluteus Maximus, or whatever his name was, walks over to the group and, knowing Spartacus only by reputation rather than appearance, tries to find out which one of them is their infamous leader.

Roman: “Alright, which one of you is Spartacus!?”

Slave 1: “I’m Spartacus!”

Slave 2: “I’m Spartacus!”

Slave 3: “I’m Spartacus…and so’s my wife!”

Spartacus (Woody Allen): “Yeah, he’s Spartacus! They’re all Spartacus! Me? I’m nobody. I was just passing through on my way back from the Opthamologist. Have to get bifocals, which I’m not too happy about, you know, because it makes you look older. Not you, of course, because you’re very good looking and obviously high-ranking, so on you they’d look fine, but on me, I may as well go sit in a rocking chair with a newspaper and a cup of Postum. But listen, it’s been great talking with you and I’d love to stick around and watch you crush the rebellion but I have to get back to the leper colony because, you know, I’m very contagious and if I’m not back by five they send out a search party, which is not a pretty sight.

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May 21 2011

No Rapture? Whoops, forgot to carry the one…

So either the rapture didn’t happen or it did and there simply wasn’t anyone worth taking. Hard to say. My question though, among millions, is this. What’s gonna happen when Jesus does finally return and sees that the cross has been used as a symbol of his life and teachings and that people have erected them everywhere in his honor? Is he gonna be like “Gee thanks, took me 2000 years of therapy to get over the horrible way I died and this is what I come back to!? I’m outta here!

Nah, I’m sure Jesus wouldn’t do that, but for now the long wait for salvation continues, and for the preacher Harold Camping who started this whole May 21 rapture prediction, an explanation is also awaited. No doubt it’ll be something like, “Whoops, forgot to carry the one! Okay, let’s see. I have a prostate exam scheduled for Wednesday, so…um…next Tuesday for sure. Now everyone send me your money so I can put up more billboards.”

What’s really weird is that I’m actually kinda sad the rapture didn’t happen, because I think like everyone else, I’m constantly looking for some proof that life is more than just a crazy fluke of the universe. Of course one could look at the incredible engineering involved in life and say that’s all the proof one needs, but still, a burning bush wouldn’t hurt once in awhile either.

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May 16 2011

La Cucaracha

There’s a construction site across the street from me where they’ve starting putting up some new apartment buildings. Yeah, who needed that empty lot with all those annoying fruit trees anyways. So now, every day, twice a day, like clockwork, a catering truck drives by my apartment as it heads towards the site to feed all those hungry construction workers. How do I know when he drives by? Because to announce his arrival to the entire neighborhood, the driver blasts on his musical horn an obnoxious, sped-up version of everyone’s favorite tune, “La Cucaracha”. Yes, “The Cockroach”.

Because really, what better way to let everyone know you’ve arrived in your mobile food wagon than to play a song about the most vile, disgusting insect on the planet. Mmm boy, give me one of those roast beef sandwiches before it crawls away. Why doesn’t he just shout out the window “Botulism! Salmonella! Get it while it’s room temperature! Your death-on-wheels food service is here! We got stomach pumps in the back! Hey, no pushing!!”

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